Harry Potter and the Sucky Working Title
by Lady-L-Leafdawn
Summary: The Akatsuki is low on jobs so they go to protect Hogwarts from evilVoldieOrocomboattack. But theres gotta be a twist so Pein is teaching DADA, the members are students and Harry is somewhat OOC. rated T cuz hidan is in this
1. basically the beginning

Ok… this is my second attempt at putting a story up here…

Ok… this is my second attempt at putting a story up here…

Basically, it's a crossover with Harry Potter and Naruto, but I like writing about characters that interest me, so it'll be more of a Harry Potter and the Akatsuki crossover. It takes place during the fifth year, but I don't feel like writing about Umbrige, so just read and see what happens evil laughter. Reviews would make me happy, even if you just feel like yelling at me, but constructive criticism is a lot more helpful.

Disclaimer: I, unfortunately, do not own any of the characters or places mentioned in this story. The (sucky) plot, however, is mine.

Albus Dumbledore was sitting at his desk as usual, just as calm as he always was during the summer months. The fact that the ministry was calling him a liar to his face didn't seem to be affecting him. Even the fact that a strange and somewhat threatening looking man had just appeared before the headmaster's desk without making a sound didn't disturb the old man as he greeted the shadow politely.

"Good evening," he said to the new man in a kind voice, "are you with Voldemort's men? I had believed that they would come to kill me, but I must say, I did not expect you so soon."

The shadow paused. Slightly confused by Dumbledore's response, he shook his head and addressed the headmaster in a voice that rang with authority. "I will get straight to business, old man, because it is late, and I am more tired than I look" he said, "I am not trying to kill you, quite the opposite, in fact. I understand that this school of yours is very important to you, as well as the students who attend."

Albus smiled, "Well, of course, what kind of headmaster would I be if I did not care for my students."

"I see," the shadow answered, "If my sources are correct, and they always are, you once had guards for your school… dementors."

The smile faded from Dumbledore's face, "If you are from the Ministry and are trying to get me to use those things again, I'll tell you right now, I refuse to allow them anywhe-"

"If I was with the Ministry of Magic, I would've told you who I was by now, old man," the shadow snapped, "I am not with the ministry and I am not trying to force dementors on you," he paused "I also know that you are in need of a teacher. Defense Against the Dark Arts, if I am correct."

"You are, indeed. You seem to be very observant," Dumbledore answered, "come, sit down" he motioned to a chair in front of his desk, but the shadow shook his head.

"I would love to, but" he stepped forward, "I'm not physically here," he said, passing through the chair. "But enough of that, I'm here on business. The organization that I lead, we do not usually seek out jobs, but business is dragging and there is also a personal matter to see to. A former member of ours is a distant relative to your "Lord Voldemort" and we have a feeling that they might be plotting something. My proposition to you is this; I can teach the basics of our defensive "magic" to your students for at least a year, the other members in my group shall help me teach and we shall all serve as guardians if the school is ever in danger."

"What makes you so certain the school will be in danger?" Dumbledore asked.

The shadow seemed to smirk, "I told you, old man, do not underestimate my sources," he leaned forward, "I know Orochimaru and I know why he is coming to Voldemort, not because they are related and not because they share the same creepy obsession with snakes. It is because Orochimaru wants power and he thinks he can get it by taking a page out of his cousin's book and learning magic. He will be following Voldemort like a shadow, well, a very creepy and annoying shadow but a shadow nonetheless. And Voldemort's plan for the moment is to destroy Harry Potter, right? Therefore, if we stay by Harry Potter we can complete this mission, educate ourselves and defeat Orochimaru all in one stroke. It's killing three birds with one stone." Fawks screeched in protest. The shadow man straightened and walked towards the window.

"I'm not sure the school would have the money to hire you," Dumbledore said, comforting the phoenix, "and I doubt I could ask the Ministry for money, they still are convinced that Voldemort's return is a lie."

"You have exactly one week," the shadow said, "In seven days I will come back and I expect to have an answer from you."

Dumbledore nodded, "Of course, but before you leave, you don't happen to have a name, do you? I find it is a lot easier to talk to someone if I know their name."

"You may know my name when I become a professor here," he answered, "until then you have no real need to know."

"I understand," Dumbledore smiled, "Until we meet again?"

The shadow made no motion to show that he acknowledged the headmaster's kindness. There was a rustle of cloth and a poof of smoke and the shadow man was no longer there.

"What was that all about, Albus?" asked a portrait hanging on the wall.

"A new candidate for the open position, Armando," Dumbledore sighed, "not to mention, the only one we've had this entire summer."

"Well, what are you going to do?" Armando Dippet asked curiously.

Dumbledore turned his attention to Fawks who was still upset by the shadow's bird analogy. He stroked the bird's feathers lovingly, talking quietly to himself. "Well, I guess I should contact the ministry about this, tell them I don't need them to assign me a teacher. I wonder if this sort of thing is covered in a grant…"

Exactly seven days later…

"Well, do you have an answer?" the shadow had appeared again, silently and without warning.

"Wouldn't it be easier for you to use the door?" Dumbledore asked in return, "The password is "chocolate frogs""

"Just answer me, old man," the shadow growled, obviously impatient.

Albus shuffled some papers around on his desk, "Well, I contacted the Ministry, but I found that we are unable to pay for guards, however," he paused and smiled an "I have a genius plan" sort of smile, "I was able to convince them that Hogwarts needs extra school supplies; at least two thousand galleons worth of extra school supplies that you, as students and a teacher, would be free to use. All you need to get are the robes, Professor…?"

"Professor Pein will do, that is what I am most commonly known as." Pein smirked, "I think I like your style, old man. The two thousand galleons will be more than enough, and robes will not be all too difficult for us to get on our own."

"If you wish, Hagrid can meet you in Diagon Alley to help with your shopping," Albus said, "Hagrid is the Care of Magical Creatures teacher and keeper of the keys and grounds at our school, he is very friendly and I'm sure he would love to help."

Pein nodded, "We can meet him in Diagon Alley about a week before the term starts, but listen, old man, we are no ordinary "muggles" as you call them. We are elite guards and we know our way around the block, even though we may have no talent at all for your brand of magic. Do not treat my group like your normal muggle-born students, most of them will resent it."

"I apologize, Professor Pein," Dumbledore said, he smiled sadly at the shadow, "It is difficult for me, I will keep that in mind."

"Professor Pein" the shadow grinned, "yes, I do like the way that sounds," He turned to leave, "and by the way, Dumbledore, my organization is called Akatsuki, it means "dawn."" A swooshing sound and a poof of smoke, and Professor Pein was gone.

Dumbledore sighed; Pein hadn't used the door again. _I wonder if he is going to make it a habit._ He thought to himself, _I certainly hope not._

Ok, chapter one is finished… yay

Please review because it makes me happy and because I usually check out and read the stories of the people who review me (hooray for bribery)

Next chapter is coming soon, Harry is going to be in it and he isn't going to be angsty! gasp!

The Akatsuki might also come in if the Harry being cool and out of character doesn't take too much of my time and "creativity" if you could call it that…

Anywhos see you later people!


	2. Harry not emo Akatsuki confuzled

Harry sat in his room, looking through his school trunk

Ok… I know I said that Harry wouldn't be as emo as he was in the books… well, he wont be by comparison… but the kid just saw someone get killed by Voldemort les than a year ago… and on top of that… it's raining… hard… and it's tough for Harry to not be emo when it's raining… but enough of my ranting you people want to read this (for some stupid reason I have yet to understand)

No… still don't own these guys…

**Crappy fanfic start!**

Harry sat in his room, staring out the window. His school trunk was on the floor next to his bed, the summer homework completely finished. It had been done during the first two weeks of rain, and it had been raining all summer. According to the news it was the worst downpour since… well, nobody really could compare it to anything even somewhat recent. Most people were convinced it was the second great flood, and the ones who weren't lived in the desert.

Hedwig hooted in her cage. She hadn't been outside in months and it was beginning to show, some of her feathers were falling out and she had lost her appetite for the food Harry brought her. Harry gazed at her, sadly. He couldn't let her out or she would drown in the rain. That also meant that he couldn't get any mail and therefore had no way to communicate with any of his friends. With the streets filled with rushing water he couldn't go outside, which meant he was stuck inside with his aunt, uncle and pig of a cousin. Oh, and the fact that the insane mass murderer that killed his parents was alive, well, and on the loose really didn't help. So, all in all, it had been a really terrible summer.

Harry stood up, shaking his left foot to get the feeling back into it. If he was trapped inside, he might as well be somewhere with a heating system. A dark silvery fabric slipped of his bed and made a puddle shape on the floor. _The invisibility cloak _Harry thought, smiling, _I haven't used that in a while, I wonder if it qualifies as using magic outside of school… _he tucked the cloak under his shirt and crept quietly downstairs.

**A few minutes later downstairs…**

Dudley sat in front of the TV playing video games. Harry paused, whenever he saw his cousin playing those games he had always had the strangest urge to ask Dudley if he could play. Not that he actually thought Dudley might say yes, but it still seemed like it would be fun. Maybe he should take Ron to a muggle arcade sometime. _That would definitely turn out interesting, _Harry grinned at the idea of teaching Ron which controls did what and watching as he yelled when the little figures moved.

"Whad'you want, four eyes?" Dudley grumbled, not looking up from his game.

Harry started, and then saw that he was reflected in the TV screen. He frowned and moved over to sit in the armchair next to the couch, a perfect opportunity to use the cloak destroyed by reflective surfaces.

Dudley glanced over at Harry who was relaxing in the yellow, faded armchair. The TV speakers emitted a human scream, followed by several crunching sounds, as Dudley's character died a very graphic and most likely painful death. Dudley swore and restarted the level.

"Dudykins," Harry smirked, recognizing his aunt's voice coming from the kitchen. "Is your father home yet? He should be coming in any minute now."

Dudley ignored her. Harry shifted around in his seat; the thought of Uncle Vernon coming home was not a happy one. Dudley flinched and looked at Harry, the speakers screamed again. The door slammed and Dudley's face lit up.

"Mum, Dad, Harry just made me lose my game twice!" he cried in a pathetic voice.

"Well, Dudley, I need to watch the news anyways," Vernon answered, coming into the living room, "You can go play your game upstairs where _it _won't bother you," he said, glaring at Harry. Dudley opened his mouth in shock. "_Now, Dudley_, this is very important, I need to find out when this rain is going to stop."

Dudley tugged out his game controller and stomped up the steps, pouting. The blue screen switched to a man in a suit standing in front of a whether map, pointing at the gray spots.

"… as you can see here, these rain clouds are showing no sign that they are moving in any particular direction and are instead just hovering over East Atlantic Europe spreading all the way from Iceland to Norway. This strange whether behavior has never been seen here before, and it's a wonder that you folks watching this at home are getting any reception at all…"

Vernon stared at the TV. "Not natural, this isn't," he grumbled to himself, "Not natural at all… Petunia," he yelled into the kitchen, "will you take a look at this. They say this storm isn't moving out, strange isn't it?" He shot a look at Harry as if the rain was his fault.

Harry stood up from the chair and turned to go back to his room when the fireplace turned green and a grey owl came flying into the living room completely covered in ashes. The owl landed on Harry's shoulder as Uncle Vernon fell off the couch.

Harry smiled and untied the letters from the bird's leg, surprised to find two instead of one. The owl hooted and flew back into the green flames of the fireplace.

"TO YOUR ROOM! GET OUT OF MY SIGHT!"

Harry ran up the stairs to escape the wrath of his thick and near sighted uncle. He jumped into his room and slammed the door behind him before flopping onto the bed grinning at the idea of finally being able to see his friends again. He studied the two letters, the first one was the obvious Hogwarts letter, but the second one (which had been rolled on the outside) was too covered in dirt to see whom it was from. Harry decided to open that one first.

_Dear Harry, _(Harry recognized Hermione's neat letters greeting him)

_I hope your family is treating you all right, I've been staying at the Weasley's house over the summer, we all got rained in._

_Mr. Weasley offered to deliver this letter to you, since the rain is so dangerous that now they're sending owls through the floo system to deliver mail. This should arrive with your Hogwarts letter, which I hope you read first considering that we're coming to take you to Diagon Alley TOMORROW and it would be nice if you knew what you needed. There is another thing that is discussed in the Hogwarts letter that you must know about._

_Snuffles came by during the summer and we heard Mr. Weasley explaining it. (Snuffles misses you terribly, by the way. He'd stop by but he didn't think your aunt and uncle would like that very much.) The extra paper from Hogwarts explains that we will be hosting an elite group of teenagers who were home schooled by their "master" and that this master will be our defense against the dark arts professor for as long as he is available. The truth is that these students and their teacher are some sort of wizard mercenary group that Dumbledore hired to protect the school from Voldemort. Fred and George know this, so we didn't expect it to be a secret for long, but that's the whole story._

_Anyways, we can catch up on what's happened the entire summer tomorrow (be ready to go when we get there)_

_Best wishes, best friends,_

_Hermione and Ron_

Harry stared at the paper for a moment wondering what any of this could mean. _Well, _he thought, looking at the clock, _I should probably get started with packing if I want to get any sleep tonight. _The room was a complete mess. Harry sighed and shuffled over to his trunk. _I wonder if Snuffles could come along to guard us against our new guards._

**Meanwhile at the super secret evil lair of the most amazing anime organization known to man (well… more or less)…**

"Leader-sama?" Kisame asked, looking intently at the Hogwarts school list in front of him, "Is this, by any chance, a poorly planned joke? What kind of freak school are we supposed to be protecting?"

Pein glared at his subordinate from the comfy blue armchair. "This job is not a joke," he growled, "it is a learning and a teaching experience."

"Are we getting paid?" Kakuzu asked, "Because unless we're getting paid, I don't see the point."

"The point is that I said so and you will obey me and protect this school and, what's more, you will like it!" Pein paused to take a sip of hot chocolate. "Now finish those new robes, we need to fit in with the people we're protecting."

"I don't see why we need to all be teenagers," Kakuzu mumbled to himself, "It doesn't serve any purpose, and we could save money if we didn't need these stupid new robes."

"Think of it this way Mr. Monopoly," Deidara called from his seat on the floor, "we aren't using as much fabric as we would if we all needed new clothes in our present size, un."

The entire group was there, just sitting around in the lair's living room, which was surprisingly plush and comfortable given the fact that it was in a cave under ground and the people who lived there were cold-blooded-killer-ninja-mercenary-peoples (what can I say, even murderers feel the need for comfort.) In any case, the others had just learned about Pein-sama's plan to make sure Orochimaru was behaving himself, and learn some new jutsu at the same time.

The leader, himself, sat in the comfy blue armchair in the back of the room, sipping some hot chocolate. Konan sat cross-legged on the matching blue foot rest. Kisame was taking up the entire faded yellow couch, except for the corner where Itachi was practicing his famous Uchiha stare. Kakuzu was sewing together standerd style Hogwarts robes in the kitchen. Hidan sharpened his scythe while Deidara and Sasori were playing chess on the floor. Zetsu stood in the corner arguing with himself about the supplies list Tobi sat next to him in a small rocking chair having a little too much fun than he probably should have been having.

"It's a magical school Kisame-san!" he squealed, leaning back and forth.

"Shut up, un! You don't know what you're talking about," Deidara yelled as Sasori took advantage of the blonde's distraction and switched around a few chess pieces.

"Well?" Kisame stared at the leader. "Is that it? This school is magical? Because that's pretty much the only other explanation I can come up with."

Leader-sama stood up and calmly exited the room. "Tomorrow we go shopping for your school supplies, so I expect you all to be up earlier than usual, packed and ready to go."

The Akatsuki exchanged a few confused looks, explained by Hidan; "The hell did he mean by _our _school supplies?" But the leader had already left the room.

**Later that evening…**

Proffessor Pein was looking for things to pack in his new suitcase. He definitely didn't show it, but he might've actually been excited for this job. He piled scroll after scroll into the black leather bag, making sure to pack the summoning scrolls for each of his bodies. It never hurt to be prepared. A paper dragonfly fluttered through the door and landed on his shoulder. Pein smiled as the dragonfly nuzzled his cheek, lovingly and flew back through the door. Pein sighed. Konan must not have known that she was going to be acting as a student, too.

**Crappy fanfic end**

Sooo… that's the second chapter… much longer than the first b/c I felt bad for making you people wait so long… I mean… you guys have given me confidence that I might not suck as much as I think I do…

I think Kisame had the most lines out of all the Akatsuki in this chapter… cool, sharky-boy needs some appreciation, too…

Coming up next chapter… the dreaded shopping trip to Diagon Alley… and if I make it long enough, Luna will show up (yayz!)


	3. Akatsuki in the Alley

Voici! C'est chapitre 3! The third chapter of this thing, yay! I have to say, I'm not sure if this is really giving me the creativity fix that I need, so some odd things might happen with the point of view in later chapters… also, I need to ask you people something… so far, I've only got two pairings, pein and konan (which will obviously bring up problems later) and one involving tobi… I want to know what pairings I should include and how much "detail" I should include… this is just b/c someone asked me if there was going to be yaoi in later chapters and I didn't know if I was going to include it or not…

Wow… that was a bit much… thanks for putting up with my rantings and for reading and reviewing and such… it makes me feel special ^^… anywhos

**Crappy fanfic start!**

The sun shone unusually brightly the Saturday before the start of the Hogwarts school year. The strange rain had stopped as suddenly as it had started over a month ago. No one could explain it, although many people feared what it could mean.

However suspicious the weather patterns were, life went on and, on this particular day, Diagon Alley was flooded with students all trying to get their school supplies. The golden trio and the rest of the Weasley family were there, of course, and the three chosen teens were taking a break in front of a fried newts stand. They were carefree and happy as always, if a little confused about recent goings on. However, on the other end of the street, a very different group of teenagers were a bit more anxious about the entire shopping experience.

"He's late." A boy with short red hair said, glaring at the wall, "We've been waiting for hours and he's still not here."

"Calm down, Sasori, it's only been fifteen minutes, un," another boy said, shifting from one foot to the other.

The group was standing in the moth of a dark back alley that opened up into the well-lit streets that were crowded with students. Even with their teenager disguises, the Akatsuki stood out like a neon sign in the middle of the woods. The most obvious reason for this was that they had simply changed their age, not their appearances. Itachi still had the occasional red eyes and was still going blind; Kisame still looked like a shark; Pein hadn't bothered to remove any of his piercing, he hadn't changed his age either, being the teacher; Konan had blue hair (although, she was sulking in a corner because Pein didn't want anyone to think of him as a pedophile); Deidara had mouths on his hands; Sasori, Kakuzu, and Hidan could remove their limbs if they wanted to; Zetsu was a plant guy with two personalities; and Tobi… well, Tobi just wouldn't take off that damn mask.

Sasori tapped his foot, impatiently, Kakuzu was pacing. Kisame and Tobi were staring at the people walking by and at all the different shops.

"Hey, Leader-sama," Kisame asked, "can we go buy some of those candy things? Or those fried lizards that people keep walking by with? Or can we find whatever is making that delicious smell? Doesn't it smell amazing?"

"Kisame, now you are to call me 'Professor Pein,'" Pein answered, dryly.

"Yea, Tobi wants some food, too," Tobi yelled, "Oh! Leader-sama! That person has an owl! I want an owl leader-sama! Can I have an owl?"

"Tobi, I have just told you to call me_ Professor_ Pein"

"Yes an owl would taste delicious," Zetsu teased, poking Tobi in the shoulder, "or a nice, fluffy, kitty cat, those are very tasty." "Will you not tease him like that, it's mean" the other Zetsu said to himself.

"Leader-sama? Are we allowed to get pets?" Kisame asked, "that would be awesome, right Itachi?"

"Hn," the Uchiha said, ignoring his partner's question entirely.

"See, Leader-sama, even Itachi agrees," Kisame grinned, pointy teeth sticking out kind of awkwardly (Kisame needs braces).

"Professor Pein" Pein growled.

"Can we get moving already? Time is money!" Kakuzu yelled.

"We can't do anything until that one idiot gets you-"

"Hidan!"

"What? I wasn't going to say anything that bad, asshole." Hidan said, slicking his hair back with his hand.

Tobi shrieked, covered his ears and started humming. By this time, Deidara and Sasori were arguing, Kisame was ranting to Itachi about all the cool stuff that these wizard people had, Zetsu was comforting Tobi and the zombie duo were three words away from a fistfight. Pein sighed and wondered for a moment whether this might've been a very bad idea. Thankfully, an interruption came along in the form of a very large man with a very large beard.

"Excuse me," he said in a very large voice, "you wouldn't be the Akatsuki school of magic, would you?"

"Yes, that's us," Pein said, staring up at the giant, "I am Professor Pein. You must be Hagrid."

"That's me, um, excuse me professor, I don't mean no disrespect but," Hagrid said, glancing at the teens quarreling behind the elite ninja, "I was told your students were the best of the best and, well…"

Pein sighed, "My students are a little… excited about this vacation before we join your school. We have been living in a less strict environment. They also had coffee this morning, which they really did not need." He shook his head, "don't worry about it, Professor Hagrid, you will see their talents all in good time."

Hagrid smiled, proud to be recognized as a professor by this new and powerful wizard. "Well then," he said, "let's get these kids their school supplies. I have a feeling that this is going to be difficult"

To put it in short terms, Hagrid was right. After a full day of running from store to store, being gawked at by random passers-by, keeping Tobi away from the sweets shops, stopping Hidan from killing two prank happy red head twins and convincing every single shop owner not to call the police the group made it back to their room in the Leaky Cauldron.

Pein sat silently on a bed, his body gaining the faded grey tint and blurred outline it usually did while he was meditating. The rest of the Akatsuki were quiet, making sure not to interrupt him and cause Hogwarts to be short a few elite guards. Most of them were looking through the cauldrons full of supplies they had bought; Kakuzu and Hidan were taking bets on who would blink first, Sasori, Itachi, or Konan.

Pein concentrated on a familiar figure off in the black distances of his mind. He focused and the picture became less fuzzy, the picture of a pale man with long black hair. Orochimaru relaxed on a couch, stroking a large snake that Pein had never seen before.

"I do admit, my cousin," the ex-leafnin hissed, "you have a fine taste in sidekicks and subordinates. Well," he sneered at something in the shadows beyond Pein's range of sight, "_most_ of your subordinates."

"_You are not answering my question,_" another voice added, snakelike and very similar to Orochimaru's, "_Why_ are you here?"

Orochimaru sighed, "I guess I can't dodge questions anymore? That's fine, the reason I really wanted to see you is-"

Someone burst through the door. "Lord Voldemort!"

"You may not speak with the dark lord until properly announced, Mr. Malfoy. Go back and wait until you are called in," a new voice whimpered.

"Get out of my sight you pathetic worm," a man with long blond hair spat, stepping into Pein's line of vision.

"Rawr. See, this is what I'm talking about, Voldie. Man candy and boy toys, not like that thing," Orochimaru pointed again at the "worm" as this new man had called it. "That's what makes a good subordinate, power and looks."

"That's enough, Orochimaru." Voldemort ordered his cousin. "You may speak, Lucius,"

The blond recovered from being called "man candy" by the ninja Michael Jackson and continued, "I have gained some important information about the whereabouts of some of Dumbledore's auror friends. Their actions have been increasingly suspicious and I think that-"

A bony hand was held up and Lucius stopped short. "My lord?"

"This conversation has an eavesdropper," Voldemort croaked, "Sweet dreams, Harry Potter."

Pein's vision began to go fuzzy again. He remembered something about Voldemort being bound by fate to this Harry Potter, but how could this boy be able to listen in on conversations that were definitely very far away from him? Voldemort couldn't have sensed Pein spying on them without Orochimaru noticing it first, and Orochimaru hadn't said anything. Pein tried to maintain the image and sound of the three men talking, but it kept flickering on and off like a candle, there for a second, gone for two. He managed to make out the words "Mad eye… owl post… ministry… wolves." Pein sighed and opened his eyes to the room around him.

"Everyone get to sleep," he said, the Akatsuki saluted and each settled down in some form of bedroll. Pein mentally sighed in relief _At least they aren't as ADD as they were earlier today. Discipline will be very important for this mission._ Unfortunately for leader-sama, it was only going to get worse.

**Meanwhile, at the house of the most epic and amazing Sirius Black…**

Harry jolted upright in his bed, gasping for air. He had dreamed about Voldemort again: Voldemort, Lucius, Pettigrew and someone else who claimed to be Voldemort's cousin. Orochimaru? Maybe Voldemort's family had traveled. But that didn't matter; Voldemort had known that Harry had been listening. How? Harry shivered; there had been another presence that the others hadn't seemed to notice. A powerful presence had also been listening, and maybe even watching what Harry had only heard in the nightmare. He shook his head and lay back down, he would tell Ron and Hermione about it later, for now he needed to sleep.

**Crappy fanfic end!**

Ok then… so please message me the pairing ideas and I will get back on this as soon as I can… ummmmm… wow… not much else to say… see ya


	4. Hogwarts Express

'Tis the fourth chapter… I apologize if the last one was confusing… but this one will, hopefully be better (here's hoping)

If you guys have any ideas for pairings within Akatsuki, already with the students or between ninjas and students please tell me… pein and konan are obviously together and by the end of this chapter you'll know who I've paired tobi with… probably.

I also want to take a moment to say that I have found out something about myself… I cant write anything serious… I must always make it comedy… maybe I'll get the hang of it later if I keep practicing… but I'm not that worried since this is fanfiction and I guess it doesn't really matter…

Just fyi: luna and ginny are both pretty amazing in the books and luna's character description and even some of her lines (from the book or movie) will be used because I love them…

That's enough of my ranting…

Disclaimer: if I owned this stuff… well you guys know what would happen… wink wink

**On with the fanfic!**

Harry sighed. The train compartment was awkwardly quiet, but that was to be expected. Minutes before the train had left, Harry had managed to sneak some information out of Sirius who had come along in his dog form to say goodbye. However, this had made him late getting on the train, leaving no empty seats available. The three of them were now sharing a room with Neville, Ginny and a blond fourth year girl, one of Ginny's friends.

Neville was holding a small cactus that would groan and move from time to time. Ron eyed the plant suspiciously, as if it were about to attack him. Crookshanks seemed to think the same and would've attacked first if Hermione hadn't been holding onto him. The new girl read a magazine upside down, Ginny reading over her shoulder. The countryside sped past the window.

"So," Harry started, "what do you guys think the new students will be like?"

The others looked at him in silence.

"Just making conversation," Harry mumbled.

"They must be quite good students," Hermione said, "it's not easy to travel and have lessons at the same time, and Akatsuki has been around for years. Well, according to McGonagal, at least."

"And that would make them smart?" Ron asked.

"Honestly, Ronald," Hermione sighed, unable to see why she had to explain herself, "the school travels, which would be difficult for the students, but Akatsuki has been around a very long time. Obviously this means that they do a good job, good enough that people keep enrolling in the school even though they know that their kids won't be able to come home for winter break."

"Well then maybe it's the school that people send their children to if they really hate them," Ron countered, "what if it's the stupid kids whose parents just want them to go away?"

"Well, it's not because their teacher is obviously good enough that Dumbledore hired him as Defense Against the Dark Arts professor."

"No, Hermione, that just proves that he's stupid enough to take the post when it could be his death."

"He has a point," Neville said, shyly.

Hermione sniffed, "The Akatsuki is a very prestigious institution, Ronald, they get to see the world and learn all sorts of different magic. They must know all sorts of things and I have to say, I am jealous."

Another akward silence came back over the cab. "You do know that these students aren't really students, right?" Ginny's blond friend folded up her magazine and put it away as the others waited for her to explain herself.

"They're not students?" Neville asked, "well, if they're not students, what are they?"

"They're guards, of course," she said, "Dumbledore isn't going to just let us have school like normal now that you-know-who is back in power. He hired snoofleangels to protect us."

Silence.

"um… what exactly are snoofleangels?" Hermione asked the strange girl with radish earrings.

"They're shape shifters," she explained, "In their natural form, snoofleangels look kind of like bears with afros. They like taking strange forms that are combinations of things they have seen. That's how platypi were created. They also love scratch and sniff stickers."

"Scratch and sniff stickers?"

"mm hm," Luna nodded.

The door slid open and the witch pushing the sweets trolley peeked in, "Anything off the trolley?"

**Meanwhile… and yet also later…**

"Checkpoint three is secure, the train should be coming through any minute now and there is no sign whatsoever of anything fishy." Zetsu said aloud. Tobi rocked back and forth behind the plant man, humming to himself.

The fields they were standing in obviously had some sort of enchantment on them. There was a clear view of the entire valley from far away, but the actual train tracks were not visible until the two ninja had gotten fifteen feet away from them. Once they could see the tracks, however, the two of them stated to notice other strange things. Where moments before there had been beetles and butterflies, small people like creatures with wings buzzed around, fighting over flower petals and hiding in the grass. Three had been curious enough to fly up to Zetsu and land on the flytrap atattched to his head. Tobi had entertained himself for five minutes just following one around the medow until the sprite had gotten bored and attacked the masked teenager.

Tobi walked back to Zetsu's side as the sounds of a steam engine came around the bend. The red cars whizzed past the teenage missing nins. With a nod the two leaped up on to the top of the train and looked around. Strangely enough, they weren't alone. Another ninja wearing an all black jumpsuit stood up. However, there's this thing called wind resistance and while Zetsu and Tobi were main characters and thus unaffected by laws of nature until the authoress decides it so, the other ninja was affected and fell flat on his back.

He stood back up, manipulating his chakra to keep himself on the speeding vehicle. He struck a pose and started talking, "Orochimaru told me I might have trouble on my mission! But I came prepared!" He whipped out a fistful of kunai and charged at Tobi.

Tobi responded by shrieking and jumping away from the over dramatic minion, sinking a punch in the guy's stomach as he turned. The ninja coughed and fell face first onto the roof again. Tobi was safe for a moment but he was still unused to his new proportions and fell off the roof of the speeding train. He grabbed onto the ridge over the car's window and hung there trying to think of the most efficient back-flip to get himself back up onto the roof. A moment passed and something caught his eye on the inside of the train.

The compartment was filled to bursting with students, two red heads, a girl with brown frizzy hair, a boy with a weird plant and… the most beautiful girl he had ever seen. Her blond hair (even more beautiful than Deidara's, Tobi noted) cascaded across her forehead, swept back behind her ears and held in place with a stick that looked suspiciously like a wand. Her pale skin shone through the window and her eyes gazed at him with dreamy curiosity. Tobi sat there, completely hypnotized by those blue-grey orbs. His mind raced for some way to make a graceful exit, some way to impress the angel in wizard robes.

"Tobi! Get your lazy ass back up here and help me get this guy out of here!"

Tobi, acting on complete instinct, pulled his free hand up to a salute and flipped himself up to the roof. Zetsu had the incompetent ninja flung over his shoulder. They were now supposed to take him somewhere and interrogate him for information about Orochimaru.

"Zetsu! There's an angel in the train!" he shouted.

"That's great, Tobi," Light Zetsu replied, "Let's hurry up before this guy can try to kill us or himself again."

**Five minutes later in the awesome enchanted medow that I mentioned before…**

"I'll never tell you anything!" the ninja yelled at Zetsu.

Light Zetsu sighed, "I will ask you this one more time, and I expect you to answer me. What do you know about Orochimaru's plan?"

"Keep in mind," Dark Zetsu chimed in, "If you fail to answer quickly, you may never get a chance." He grinned and the venus flytrap twitched in the anticipation of food.

The Ninja twitched for a moment and then whimpered, "I was just ordered to get into Hogwarts! I had only gotten on the train a few minutes before you did! I swear I don't know anything about what lord Orochimaru has planned! He was trying to prove something to lord Voldemort, I don't know anything else I swear!"

Zetsu's smile widened, taking in the horror that his appearance and eating habits could create. Fear radiated off the idiot ninja, giving Zetsu a greater feeling of power. "I think he's lying," Light Zetsu said in a thoughtful voice.

"Yes," Dark Zetsu answered, "He's definitely holding something back,"

"You'll never get it out of me!" the man yelled. And then he exploded. The flytrap closed over Zetsu's head, keeping small pieces of dirt and rock from getting in his face. A few moments later Zetsu moved over to the place Tobi had teleported at the time of the explosion. The masked teenager had had yet more proportion problems and fallen on his back apon teleportation.

"Aside from the suspect blowing himself up at the end, that was an example of good interrogation," he explained to the less experienced nin.

"Are we going to Hogwarts now?" Tobi asked.

"Hold on, I have to contact leader-sama" Zetsu concentrated on the image of their pierced leader.

//Zetsu! Call me professor Pein!// Pein snapped.

//Sorry, Professor,// Zetsu answered //Orochimaru is already on the move. We ran into one of his half-witted followers. He was ordered to get into Hogwarts to prove something to Voldemort. It was a half-assed attempt, I don't think the others will have any trouble, even if they run into more minions//

//Right,// Pein agreed, //I shall inform Dumbledore of this. You and Tobi should come back to Hogwarts as soon as possible, we are supposed to attend the sorting feast in the great hall//

//Yes, Professor// Zetsu thought, wondering what the sorting feast could be (besides the obvious, a feast). The leader faded out of his vision and he turned to Tobi.

"We must report back to Hogwarts immediately," he grumbled.

"What about your dinner?" Tobi asked, innocently.

Zetsu frowned. Professor Pein had taken him aside before the mission and had told him that he was not allowed to eat any humans in case there were any wizards watching. The threat to eat Orochimaru's henchman had been a bluff. His stomach growled painfully. "I guess we'll have to see if they have meat at this 'Sorting Feast' whatever that is."

Tobi nodded, "Do you think the entire school will be there? I hope so. Hey, Zetsu, did I tell you what I saw on the train?" The plant man, however, was already melting into the ground. Tobi sighed, but cheered up with the thought that his angel would be at this feast they were going to.

**Kind of meanwhile… on the train…**

Silence.

Harry, Ron, Hermione, Neville, Ginny and Luna all stared out the window.

"Did anyone else just see that?" asked Ron.

"You mean the guy in the mask who was hanging from the window frame?" Ginny said, "Yea, we saw that."

Neville shifted around in his seat, "Who do you think it was?"

"I told you," Luna sighed, "a snoofleangel."

**End crappy fanfic!**

Yea… so, pretty obvious who Tobi is with… I think it's adorable… the next chapter will be coming soon-ish… the Akatsuki attend the sorting feast and maybe the lessons will start… ummm… yea… I think that's it… see ya next time (if I stopped right there, this chapter would be 2009 words long… I found that humerous)


	5. The Yummy Feast of Food

Ok, chapter 5… I really have nothing else to say about it… makes me kinda sad…

**Crappy fanfic start…**

Harry stepped off the train, Ron and Hermione followed him to where the horseless carriages were picking up students. Ginny had run off with her friends. Harry paused, staring at the carriages that were not quite horseless anymore.

"Ron, Hermione, can you see the… things in front of that carriage?" Harry asked, "Have hey always been there?"

"Harry," Hermione answered cautiously, "there's nothing pulling the carriages, like always."

Harry shook his head and stepped closer to the dragon like thing. It shook its beaked head and pawed the ground. Harry reached out a hand to touch its neck, just to make sure. His fingertips brushed the leathery skin and the horse turned to look at him. "No," he said to Hermione, his hand still held up to the creature's mane, "it's definitely here."

Small footsteps approached them from behind and their owner climbed up and sat down in the empty carriage. Luna smiled at Harry, "Don't worry, I can see them, too. You're only as sane as I am." Harry looked up at the girl's spacey eyes and was not reassured of his sanity. He and his friends climbed into the carriage with her anyways and Harry stared at the strange creature as it pulled them up the path to Hogwarts.

**A few minutes later in a Hogwarts hallway…**

Dumbledore walked briskly down the hallway towards the Great Hall. The students would be arriving soon and he had to be down there to make sure that the Akatsuki could be introduced as perfectly normal students and shown to their table without any fuss. Of course, there was likely to be fuss. After all, this wasn't just a new teacher, there were nine others that would be lurking about in the school. Rumors were bound to start and spread like wild fire.

A shadow caught the headmaster's eye and he spun around to face the grey figure of Professor Pein. "My team and I have secured the perimeter," he began, "if any living creature moves within a mile of Hogwarts grounds we will know all about it immediately."

Dumbledore smiled, "I thank you professor." Hagrid had said that the leader was odd: odd in a colorful way but still odd. Dumbledore wondered inwardly about this matter. Surely this faded grey silhouette couldn't be the actual professor, could it? "I trust that you and your team will be joining us in the Great Hall for the feast? The other professors look forward to seeing you there, and we can assume that the students are equally excited."

Pein hesitated, as if he had hoped that Dumbledore had forgotten about this arrangement. "Of course," he said after a moment, "we will be there, although we may be late. Please start the ceremony without us, but we will definitely arrive in time for the food. Until then, headmaster." The shadow faded and completely disappeared.

Dumbledore sighed, _well, he couldn't have used a door right here, _he glanced around the hallway, _nope, no doors, that poof was completely justifiable. _He shook his head, _but something tells me this is going to be an interesting night._

**Later on that night in the Great Hall…**

The last of the first years had been sorted into their houses. Dumbledore had gone over the overall rules for the year and now everyone in the hall sat waiting for the headmaster to explain the vacancy of the Defense Against the Dark Arts Professor's seat. Had Akatsuki's headmaster resigned before the term had even started? And why was there an empty table to the right of the sorting hat's chair? Whispered rumors spread around the room. The new teacher had been eaten by a dragon and the students all burned to death. No, it was a tribe of vampires that had devoured the small school. Didn't you hear? They're all some type of shape shifter, snoofleangel, was it? There's no way _one_ clan of vampires could have beaten a group of shape shifters. Well, what happened?

Dumbledore stood up and all conversation stopped. "As you can see," he started, wondering what was taking so long, "the new Professor is running a little late. He told me this ahead of time; that he and his students might take a while to show up. I'm sure we can all understand running a bit late." He chuckled to himself then stopped suddenly. A single person was walking down the hallway. Dumbledore could see them clearly though he was quite far away and he recognized the silhouette immediately. He gestured towards the figure and the entire room turned to look, "I present Professor Pein."

Professor Pein stopped in the doorway of the great Hall, surrounded by a once again whispering audience. Did you hear that? His name sounds like "pain", not a good sign. Look at his hair, is he a Weasley? His hair? Look at his piercings! He's got like six on his face. Holy snap! He just disappeared! There he's in front of the teacher's table now! The crowd turned to stare again at the elite ninja.

Pein raised his hands, "And I present," he addressed the crowd in a monotone with just a hint of pride, "the Akatsuki."

The Great Hall changed from quiet and suspenseful to loud and chaotic in a split second. With an explosion, nine teenagers dressed in black robes with red ties burst into the room. After a few moments of swirling chaos involving teleportation, string, back flips, ravens, paper birds and growing out of walls, they all stood by their teacher, struck a pose and disappeared in a puff of smoke. The smoke wafted across the room and when it cleared, there were the new students sitting at their table as though nothing had happened. The Professor appeared next to Snape and sat down as Dumbledore was standing up.

"Well, I doubt I could pull off a better introduction," Dumbledore said, smiling, "enjoy the feast."

And there was the feast, magically there, just like every year. Everyone began to fill their plates, but there was still enough gossip to go around.

"See, Hermione, I told you there was something wrong with them," Ron gloated, shoving food into his mouth, "they're all freaks. Did you see that one kid had a giant plant sticking out of his head? And the kid with blue skin, did ya see that?"

Hermione sniffed, delicately placing food on her plate. She was obviously angry at Ron for being rude but knew it was useless to argue at the moment. Harry chewed his food slowly and craned his neck to get a better view of the new students. He nodded, "They are pretty weird looking."

"And the guy with the mask!" Ron gasped, "Remember him? He's one of the students, he's up there! The guy hanging off the edge of the train. He's defiantly a freak. I mean, who wears a mask to a feast?"

"Well, we're ahead of schedule," George said, smiling, "we ran into a few of them in Diagon Alley, nearly got our heads chopped off by the guy with the scythe."

"Serves you right," Ron grinned.

"Maybe so, Ronnykins," Fred leaned across the table, "but at least we pay attention to the finer things in life. Did you even notice the girls?"

"Yeah," George added, "and did you notice how there seemed to be explosive birds coming from the blond ones hands?" The twins sighed dreamily. "Our dream girl already."

"Huh, boys. Never think with their heads, oh no."

"And what do _you_ like about these new students, Hermione?" Fred asked, "or would you rather keep muttering to yourself."

"I have to say," George added, "it doesn't look at all sane."

Harry snickered and Hermione rolled her eyes.

"And Harry! Can't forget about you," Fred grinned, "does the chosen boy approve of the Ak-at-ski?"

Harry shrugged, "They seem alright to me." He tilted his head to look around some girl who was blocking his view. _They seem odd. Why would Dumbledore have kids guarding the school? Even with that flashy entrance… something's not right._ While the main character was thinking suspicious detective thoughts, an adorable mini plot was developing elsewhere.

"Hey, Itachi," Tobi whispered, "if you look over in that direction and turn your head like this-a-way," he tilted his head to the right, "you can see the prettiest girl in the entire school." The less enthusiastic Uchiha made no response.

"Are you sure?" Kisame asked, sitting on Itachi's other side, his head tilted, "all I can see is some ugly guy and a girl that is definitely not the one you're talking about." Itachi sighed. He reached up and pulled Kisame's head to tilt the other way. "Oh, I see her now! It's the blond with the overload of pudding, right? Man, that is a lot of pudding."

Tobi giggled, "That's her, isn't she so…" he sighed and trailed off in absolute bliss.

"Have you talked to her?" Sasori asked.

"Sasori, don't encourage him," Deidara hissed, "the idiot was just getting quiet."

"He didn't," Zetsu answered, "he was hanging off the edge of the train when he saw her. Hardly a place for a decent conversation."

"Oh?" Sasori said, staring at the food on his plate and wondering if he had to eat it, "well that's kind of pathetic."

A smug smile returned to Deidara's face as he helped himself to dinner. Kisame, on the other hand, reached around Itachi and poked Tobi on the shoulder.

"No worries," he said, smiling, "you're fun, she'll like you."

Tobi whirled around to see who was touching him, "um… sure thing, Kisame. What are we talking about?"

Kisame raised an eyebrow, shook his head and went back to inhaling his food.

Sasori picked at some chicken with a fork. He had no desire to eat and the only reason he could see to eat was to appear normal. _Well, we've already failed royally at that, skipping meals won't hurt all that much._ He pushed the plate away and looked around the Great Hall. Professor Pein sat at the teacher's table next to a black haired man with a large nose. The two were obviously not talking to each other. The unfamiliar professor was staring at Pein suspiciously as the Akatsuki leader ate. Sasori made a mental note of the first time he had ever seen the leader eat anything. He shrugged and turned around to get a better look at the students.

Most of them were staring at his table, and many of them averted their glances when their eyes met Sasori's apathetic stare. A group of students at the other end of the hall sat at a table covered with green and silver cloth. They did not look away. A few of them snarled at the puppet master. _What a polite group,_ Sasori mused to himself, _we'll see who's smirking when you all find yourselves running naked through the school with no memory of how you got there. But that's only if you give me trouble._ He turned back around and raised up his cup, the rest of the Akatsuki looked at him.

"Here's to something different."

Across the room a certain pale faced Slytherin scoffed at the new students. "Look at him now he's making a toast." Malfoy sneered. He picked up his own cup and mimicked in a girly voice, "I, freaky freakerson Weasley the seventeenth, would like to thank all my freak friends for coming with me and my creepy pierced brother to visit this school where almost my entire family is attending at present." The group let out a few snickers and Malfoy continued, enjoying the attention, "I swear that all of you will be treated as equals among the obviously superior wizarding race and- oh my, would you look at that! It appears I'm choking my own toast!" The table exploded with laughter. Sasori was doubled over, Deidara pounding him on the back. Pansy shrieked, Crabbe and Goyle chuckled a little louder.

Sasori looked over his shoulder at the roaring Slytherins and Draco made another impression. "And look at that, I do believe they're laughing at me. Maybe I should go see if Harry Potter could kick their arses for me." He laughed, "elite wizarding school, ha! Anyone could do those parlor tricks. I tell you now," he started one of his Trelawney impressions, "in a few weeks they'll be part of Potter's gang. Oh, yes I seeeeee it in the tea leaves." Pansy shrieked again, spitting pumpkin juice all over the table. Draco leaned back and thought aloud to himself, "but it might be nice to have some minions, you know. A few wizards not good enough to be in our gang, but we let them hang out with us just to make sure they don't join Potter and the like…"

He observed the Akatsuki. Most of them were freaks but there were a few who might be decent to have as subordinates. He scanned the group and sat up, surprised. One of the members looked oddly familiar. He had Pale skin and slicked back silver hair. At the moment it looked like he was arguing with another one of the members, the black haired freak with stitches. Malfoy stared at him intently, trying to figure out where he'd seen the stranger before. He shrugged it off after a moments thought and went back to entertaining his cronies, but this sub plot was far from over.

**Later that night…**

The Akatsuki followed Dumbledore through the halls of the school.

"I understand that the Akatsuki students were going to assist you in teaching, Professor," Dumbledore addressed the leader without turning around, "however, I have no objection to their attending classes. Whenever they get free time they could sit in on classes and they would be able to choose which classes to take and at which levels." He paused and took the professor's silence as a "yes." Dumbledore waved a hand to indicate the paintings, "If you get lost, the portraits move and speak. They will be able to help you. The school is filled with ghosts, most of whom are helpful." He smiled, "Or you could actually ask another student and give the illusion of normalcy?" A few members snickered. Dumbledore slowed and turned to face the blank wall space in front of him. "I do believe this is the spot. Now, what you need to do is walk back and forth in front of this wall three times while concentrating on what you would like to have in your chambers."

Dumbledore turned to see nine teens and one professor staring at him as if he was insane. He motioned for them to begin. Cautiously, the group moved towards one end of the hallway. They walked back and forth, some muttering what they wanted, and a minute later Deidara yelped in shock. The others turned to see what had caused the disturbance. Where there had been a blank wall, there was now a doorway of heavy ebony wood. Carved into the door and painted blood red was a single cloud, fashioned in the same way as the ones on their old robes and new ties.

Pein turned to Dumbledore who smiled and proceeded to open the door. The Akatsuki steeled themselves for anything that might leap out and attack them. What they didn't expect was…

"It's our living room, un!" Deidara yelled, running over to land on the couch. He peeked over the back, "complete with all the scorch marks and rips!"

"That wasn't in our living room," Hidan said, pointing at the row of black silk covered bunk beds in the corner of the room. "At least, not the living room I remember."

"What I want to know is who decided to keep the tacky wallpaper," Sasori groaned, "this stuff is hideous."

Itachi turned away, mumbling something about it having "a certain charm to it."

"It is our wallpaper," Kisame said, inspecting the faded material, "hey, Deidara, I found another scorch mark. And a blood stain."

Hidan fidgeted, Kakuzu was glaring at him. "What!? I swear it wasn't me that time," he yelled at the waterfall missing nin.

Dumbledore walked over to Pein who was inspecting the larger bed that he would be occupying. "I trust you will find everything to your liking. We supply the food, breakfast starts at seven. Your first class is tomorrow."

Pein nodded, "I thank you, Dumbledore." The two moved towards the door.

"I must say, Professor," Dumbledore confessed, "your appearance is not-"

"What you expected?" Pein finished, "that's what most people would say. But, I assure you, I am quite competent."

"of course," Dumbledore grinned, "I must say, I admire your style. Were I as young as I used to be… well, goodnight, Professor Pein."

"Goodnight, Headmaster." The door shut with a thud.

"Tobi calls this bunk!"

"Tobi! Get off! I was here first!"

"But Tobi wants this bunk!"

"Tobi, leave Deidara alone. You can have a different bed."

"Thank you Zetsu!"

"Alright," Pein turned around, "I want all of you in bed right now. The lights are going off and if I hear any whispering there will be consequences. Keep in mind that we have classes tomorrow. You are required to be at the opening class for each year of students, but after that, I give you free reign. Use it wisely. Now go to sleep." The lights extinguished themselves and the room plunged into darkness.

**Meanwhile, in the Gryffindor common room…**

Harry, Ron and Hermione sat by the fireplace. The room was now empty of all other students, but Harry had kept Hermione and Ron in the common room to discuss the odd dream he'd had a few nights before.

Hermione glanced at the staircase where the last Gryffindor had just exited. She leaned in and whispered, "So, Harry, you said that you had a dream about Voldemort."

Harry nodded, "It was different from the ones I was having last year. I didn't see anything, it was too dark, but I could hear their voices." He continued, "There was Voldemort, and Pettigrew was there, Malfoy came in at the end to talk about some intelligence he had gathered-"

Ron chuckled, "He should give it to Crabbe and Goyle."

"And there was one more person who claimed to be a relative of Voldemorts. His name started with an 'O' or something and it sounded foreign, but he had the same hissing voice as Voldemort so I wouldn't be surprised if they really were cousins." He paused, "but the weirdest thing was that they knew I was listening," he looked at his friends, trying to get across the creepiness of the situation, "Voldemort said that I was eavesdropping and then it all just disappeared. What could it all mean?" He struck a thoughtful pose, one hand on his chin.

"I'm sure I have no idea, Harry," Hermione yawned, "I don't think it sounds all that serious, but you should probably go to Dumbledore and tell him about this dream business and Voldemort's 'cousin.'" She stood up, walking towards the girl's staircase, "Anyways, I'm feeling very tired, I'll see you both tomorrow."

Ron mumbled something sleepily and went up to the boy's dormitory. Harry just sat there for a moment, still in his thinking pose. _Yes,_ he thought, _Hermione is right. I should talk to Dumbledore tomorrow._

**End crappy fanfic…**

Ok… so I'm not sure if there were creepy Voldemort dreams in the fourth book… I'm pretty sure there were but I can't completely remember…

Be happy, all of you… this chapter was much longer than any of the others I've written… do not expect this to ever happen again…

In any case, the plot is maybe perhaps starting to take form? Well, if you find one, let me know, 'cause I sure as hell don't see one…


	6. The First Class oh, Horror

I never mentioned it before, but I'm going with the assumption that Hermione is a prefect… because that's just how she is… this bit of information might be important later, but probably not…

**Crappy fanfic start!**

Hidan groaned and rolled over, covering his eyes with his pillow. An obnoxiously bright light was shining directly on his face and it would not go away, even with his head stuffed under a layer of fabric and cotton fluff. He squinted one eye open. There was a window next to his bunk where there had definitely not been a window before. He wouldn't have chosen this bunk if it had had such a window, and yet; there it was, streaming in unnaturally bright light from outside.

"Ok, you're officially awake." Hidan turned, Kakuzu was already dressed and sitting in a chair next to the bunk, looking as bored as a kid stuck on the roof of a school in the middle of summer.

Hidan raised an eyebrow, "Were you waiting for me to wake up?" He absentmindedly noticed Sasori, Deidara, Kisame and Itachi in the background.

"Watching while you slept," Kakuzu answered in a monotone, "creepy isn't it? Professor said that we had to make sure our partners didn't stay in bed all day. By the way, they stop serving breakfast in about five minutes, so if you want some food…" Hidan sat up at the mention of food and dashed out the door cursing Kakuzu for not waking him up earlier. "See you first period." Kakuzu called after him.

Hidan dashed down the hallways at top speed, robes, scythe and a string of swear words trailing behind him. He hadn't bothered to change out of his robes the night before, in fact, he rarely ever did. It always saved him the trouble of dressing quickly when he was late (which happened quite often). Halfway down a staircase, Hidan heard a creaking and groaning noise and the stairs shuddered under his feet. He slowed down and steadied himself wondering what in the name of Jashin was going on. A gap appeared at the foot of the stairs. "Fuck." He vaguely remembered something that Dumbledore had said about the staircases moving from time to time. Hidan leaned forward and raced down the stairs faster than someone who insulted Edward Cullen in front of a group of rabid Twilight fan girls. He launched himself through the air and landed in the stone hallway. He paused only for a moment to glare at a group of first years to get out of his way, and then he was off again. He ran into the Great Hall and snatched a bowl of biscuits off the nearest table. Some Hufflepuffs glanced at the odd intruder before returning to their own late breakfast (ah, those under appreciated Hufflepuffs).

Hidan looked around the room, finally noticing that Kakuzu was not following him. He shoved another biscuit in his mouth, wondering where the rag doll could be. As if on cue, Kakuzu opened up a mental link between the two.

//Hey, Hidan// he began, //where are you?//

"Where am I?" Hidan asked, "Where are YOU? I thought you were following me in that creepy way that you know I hate!"

Kakuzu grinned, the only reason he would ever follow Hidan was for that reason. He knew the silver haired immortal hated it. //I'm outside on that practice field Pein reserved for the class.// he paused //oh, and by the way, class starts in two minutes. See you then.// Kakuzu broke the link.

Hidan stood shocked for a moment. He turned abruptly and stormed out of the Great Hall, leaving a trail of swears and biscuit crumbs behind him.

**Down on that practice field that the most amazing Kakuzu mentioned…**

In a not all too surprising plot coincidence, Pein's first class of the year happened to be fifth year Gryffindors and Slytherins. The classes were both present and were behaving like a group of kindergarteners with all their talking. The Akatsuki stood separate from the crowd. Draco observed them coldly.

"Well, it looks like one's missing," he said to Crabbe and Goyle, "I wonder what's taking him so long." He also wondered where in his life he might have seen said missing member, but stopped trying to guess after a few minutes.

The red haired one was staring at him impassively, and the Potter gang seemed to be looking forward to the lesson with over-exaggerated and unneeded enthusiasm. Draco frowned; this was going to be incredibly boring.

Professor Pein glanced at his watch and decided to start class. He made a few hand signs. Summoning style. There was a poof of smoke, he had summoned…

A floating chalkboard.

The class grew silent. The Akatsuki stared incredulously at their leader. Since when did Pein-sama summon chalkboards?

"Chakra," Pein began, "a combination of physical, mental and spiritual force. It is the basis of all magic," Hermione raised her hand. Pein ignored her, "the fact that you are able to use a wand is a sign that you have at least a small amount of chakra." He waved a hand and the chalkboard brought up a picture of a wand, "the magical elements inside a wand allow the flow and command of chakra even if the user didn't have very much to begin with. Controlling chakra without a wand is far more difficult, but it should be easier for you and we do not have to worry about a student having no chakra." Hermione's hand, which had been lowered during Pein's speech, shot back up in the air. And again, the Professor ignored it. "We will start off with the basics. You cast a simple light spell with your wand and note any feelings or emotions you experience." Hermione's hand sunk back down. "Then, you put away your wands and try to recreate that feeling without a wand. My students will be walking around to see if you have successfully mastered the technique. Depending on how far we get, there might be time to discuss tomorrow's lesson." Hermione raised her hand once again. "Are there any questions?"

Seeing her opportunity, Hermione spoke, "What exactly do you mean by spirit? How do wands control chakra? Why haven't you given us any books about this? And what is tomorrow's lesson?"

Pein turned to the rest of the class, "Wands out. And if I see any funny business," his face darkened and the class shivered, "there will be consequences. Now, begin."

Hermione huffed and took out her wand, still determined to be top of the class even if the teacher refused to be of any help to her. The rest of the class followed her example. In a few moments, the practice field was glowing with multicolored sparks.

The Akatsuki stared. Some stared with curiosity and some of them, well, some of them are just always staring like an incredibly creepy porcelain doll in a light blue and frilly dress, except for the fact that only three Akatsuki members own a light blue frilly dress. Pein, himself, was standing stock still in front of the class, waiting for the students to try magic sans wand. Harry wanted to go over and poke the professor to see if the teacher had fallen asleep with his eyes open. Hermione put her wand back in her pocket.

"What?" Ron asked, "You think you've got it already?"

"I think I can try," Hermione said, holding her right hand up. She concentrated.

Harry looked around, a few other students had also put away their wands and the Akatsuki members were making their ways around the crowd. He put his wand away and tried to replicate the tingling feeling his hand had felt while sending out the sparks. He focused. His fingers started to twitch. Harry gasped, he was beginning to feel something very faintly... yes it was definitely something. He focused harder and then…

"I'M HERE LEADER-SAMA! Fucking rag doll didn't wake me up soon enough!"

"WHAT THE BLOODY HELL?!"

The field practically rang with the sound of concentration being snapped in two. All attention was drawn to the two almost identical students glaring at each other in anger.

"Well, looks like Hidan finally decided to show up." Harry heard the shark member mutter. Draco and Hidan, surprisingly enough, had stopped glaring at each other and were instead looking at one another with intense curiosity.

"Do I know you from somewhere?" Hidan asked in an extremely cliché fashion.

Draco sniffed, "As if I would associate with someone as clumsy as you."

Hidan growled, "Oh yeah, you're one of those random bastards I meet all the time. The ones who get in my way and soon meet their own very painful end." Hidan reached around and grabbed the handle of his scythe. Draco stood there, sneering at his opponent. He lifted his wand.

A black and orange blur pushed Hidan to the ground and knocked Draco's wand from his hand. Pein now stood between the two of them, staring straight forward. "Name?" he asked.

"YOU KNOW MY FUCKING NAME!" Hidan yelled. Pein ignored him and glanced sideways at Draco.

"Name?" he repeated more firmly. "And house."

Draco hesitated before gathering up his usual sarcasm, "Draco Malfoy, Professor. I'm in Slytherin."

"Hmm," Pein nodded, looking curious. Harry noted that this was the first time he'd seen the new teacher show any emotion. "Malfoy… any relation to Lucius?"

Draco raised an eyebrow, "He's my father. Do you know-"

Snapping back into his usual apathy, Pein hissed, "I believe I said that if there was any funny business, there would be consequences." Malfoy started to object and the Professor clapped his hands together. A large CRACK drowned out Draco's complaints. When the smoke cleared, Draco and Hidan were staring down in fear at a large crevice in the ground. Pein lowered his hands. "That, my students is an example of very high class magic."

"Is the professor going to push Malfoy into the ditch?" Ron whispered.

"He wouldn't," Hermione gasped, "he would be fired immediately and I would never be able to prove myself to be the best teacher's pet!"

Harry stared at Pein with a look similar to Sherlock Holmes trying to solve a mystery. "I wonder how he knew about Malfoy," he mumbled while absentmindedly trying to smoke an invisible pipe.

Pein turned again towards Malfoy and the boy flinched. "I warned you about disrupting class, however," he sighed, "it seems to be more of this one's fault than yours." He pointed at Hidan who had not bothered to get up from the ground, "I let you off with a warning this time. Everyone get back to work." He pointed at the black haired member with the stitches and motioned him to come over. "Kakuzu, you and Hidan will be working together. Make sure he doesn't get out of hand again." Under his breath he added, "but try not to attract an excessive amount of attention to yourselves." Kakuzu nodded and pulled Hidan over to the edges of the crowd.

Hermione shook her head and mumbled something about asking for help with this magic. Ron sighed and went back to his work; obviously disappointed that Malfoy had not been buried alive. Harry shrugged, still smoking his invisible pipe. He decided that now would be a good time to gain allies within the Akatsuki so that he didn't end up in Malfoy's position; despised by a scary looking teen with short temper. He glanced around and his eyes landed on a short red haired boy, the corners of his mouth turned upward slightly, almost as if it hurt him to do so. Creepy though that smile was, Harry decided this boy was his best bet. He was the only one who was even trying to smile (the others were either looked threatening or just looked tired and irritated) and Harry had always had a thing for redheads (if you think about it, a majority of the people on Harry's "I like these people" list have red hair).

He walked over, wondering what the smile could've been for. "Excuse me," he said, "my name's Harry Potter and I wanted to know if I was doing this right. There's a sort of tingling feeling in my fingers and the palms of my hands if I concentrate hard enough."

The smile dropped off the boy's face, "Akasuna, Sasori," he replied, "show me what you can do."

Harry, only slightly unnerved by Sasori's mood swing, held out his hand and concentrated. This time the feeling appeared only moments after he started. Sasori held his own hand about an inch over Harry's palm. He held that position, then nodded.

"There's definitely something there," he murmured, "it's not enough to determine what element you would be best at but it's alright for just starting." He pulled his hand back and turned away, the smile creeping back onto his face.

Harry realized what that smile looked like. Once, when he was in fourth grade, his crazy Goth music teacher had brought in the Broadway version of the musical _Sweeney Todd._ There had been a big law suit about it between Mr. Horne (the music teacher), who believed it to be a work of pure genius, and the parents, who didn't want their poor little impressionable children to grow up mentally scarred by the obviously fake blood and extremely camp violence shown in the play. Keep in mind that these were the same parents who let their kids surf the Internet and play video games all the time (ironic, no?). Before the movie had been confiscated, however, Harry had seen the look of joy and triumph on Mr. Todd's face when he realized how exactly he would take revenge on the judge. It was this exact same look that now lit up Sasori's face as he glanced from Hidan to Draco and back again.

"Um… nice meeting you Sasori." Harry said stepping away from the strange teen. He almost felt bad for Malfoy now; having two very advanced and slightly crazy exchange students out to destroy him would not be fun. Harry turned back to find Ron and Hermione. He almost thought it would be a good idea to warn Malfoy about the enemies he seemed to be spontaneously generating… _almost._

**After class…**

Draco strutted away from the practice field. He looked confident as he coolly accepted the few compliments that his fellow Slytherins paid him (way to stand up against that clumsy oaf of a foreigner, he must be a half blood or something) but his insides squished like strawberry jelly. He had been thinking about how to get Hidan expelled for the last minutes of class and he wasn't sure that there was a way. After all, Hidan didn't actually go to Hogwarts, so was he supposed to listen to the Hogwarts headmaster?

The other students pulled ahead as he was thinking to himself. Even Crabbe and Goyle were closer to the castle than Malfoy (one class closer to lunchtime).

"Pssst! Kid with the death wish!"

Draco stopped and glanced around. Kakuzu, the stitches boy, was leaning against a stone pillar. A few orange dead leaves floated down from nearby trees. Shadows and dark branches made an eerie, hand-like frame around the boy. His neon green eyes seemed to glow slightly and Draco found himself thinking, Halloween. This guy's favorite holiday must be Halloween.

"What exactly do you think you're doing?" Halloween boy asked.

Malfoy's eyes narrowed, "What do you mean by that?"

"I mean," he explained, "you have just made enemies with a student-shaped bag of testosterone who is in possession of a three bladed scythe and has a temper fuse about the length of a bald guy's hair." He paused, "in other words; you are screwed."

Draco snarled, "Oh, am I? That's lovely, I'm glad you care so much, freak. I could deal with that creep any day of the week. So unless you have some ingenious plan, get the hell out of my face, scarecrow!"

Kakuzu smiled in spite of himself. Years of being called "Rag doll" by his coworkers had left him very open to new nickname ideas. "I'm really only here to help you," he replied, trying to look serious.

"Why would you want to help me?" Draco hissed, this smelled fishier than a Long John Silvers take out dinner in an aquarium. "You could be setting me up. The Professor said that you and Hidan were partners, are you two gay or something?" He smirked and mentally patted himself on the back as Kakuzu's face turned scarlet. His self-congratulations were cut short when the stitched boy spun around and drove his fist into the stone wall with inhuman force.

Kakuzu growled a reply that he must have repeated many times before. "I have been paired with the lazy bastard simply because of our talents, which work together well even though he and I do not. The fucking fan girls think that we- ugh, I don't even want to think about it. We hate each other and it is under strict orders that we are even five meters, let alone two feet, away from each other for any amount of time." Draco relaxed as he could see this speech significantly calming the scarecrow down. "We are able to work together by taking every opportunity to annoy the other, in fact, I believe that is how most of the pairs in our organization pass the time." He paused, now that he thought about it, it seemed to be more right, "In any case, I believed this would be a good opportunity to annoy the hell out of him. You know, make an alliance with the kid he just promised to kill."

"Well thanks," Draco said sarcastically, "I feel so much better." He paused trying to think of some way to accept without looking like a total pussy. "I guess some competent help wouldn't be so bad," he started, "I mean, halfwits like Crabbe and Goyle can only mindlessly obey, if you know what I mean."

Kakuzu nodded, "Good with intimidation, but they couldn't think themselves out of a paper box? Yeah, those types have no appreciation for strategy." His head jerked up as if listening to someone talking, but Malfoy could hear nothing. "Speaking of mindless henchmen, you should probably catch up with yours, Leader-sa -I mean- the Professor said that class starts in less than a minute."

Draco swore and took off running towards the main building. Kakuzu smiled. Draco and Hidan seemed very similar. If Hidan had let his cockiness façade drop for a moment like Draco had, he and Kakuzu might've been friends. Kakuzu shuddered at this thought. He didn't think that he would be able to deal with a partner he could actually get along with.

**Crappy fanfic end!**

Yea… next chapter you shall bear witness to both Deidara's first confrontation with the Weasley twins and Kisame's confrontation with the paparazzi… and more if I get to it.

I still see no plot, lots of subplots but no actual plot… if you happen to see one, please inform me immediately… or if you think of something ingenious (a pairing, a prank, the meaning of life or almost anything else will suffice)


	7. Yet more Subplots

Yay! I'm back and stuff… I had tons of projects to do for the end of school so I was only able to get little bits of writing in at a time. Hopefully, it's not too terrible.

Harry has more out of character-ness… I really had no idea what else to do with him…

Also, from now on dark Zetsu=Zet and light Zetsu=Su… I found it online and immediately fell in love with it… Zetsu is made of epic win

**Crappy fanfic start! (no jutsu)**

Harry had been thinking all day and he still had no idea who these guard people could be. He had pondered and brainstormed his way through at least three classes and now he was staring down at his plate as if the answer to all his questions could be found in the pale yellow sludge stuffed in between two pieces of toast that had been named an "egg salad sammich." Obviously the Akatsuki had been hired to protect the students against Voldemort; that was the "why." But who were they? What were they? Where did they come from? How did they get here? How did they know Dumbledore, or did they know him at all? Harry sighed and poked at the goey sammich. The hardest question was still unsolved; what could he do to find out?

The table shook as Harry, Ron and Hermione were ambushed by a group of fourth years. Ginny and some of her friends launched an interview at the golden trio.

"Well?" Ginny began, "What are they like? Come on, at least tell us their names."

Ron shook his sister off of his arm, "Let me eat first, I'm hungry."

Ginny huffed and turned to Hermione, "You'll tell me, right, Hermione?"

"Well, they weren't the most friendly group," she admitted, "not very talkative, either. At least, Itachi told me his name, but he only nodded to all my other questions."

"Were they all like that?" Ginny asked, glancing at Harry.

"Sasori gave me a few sentences," Harry said, still poking at his sammich, "but most of the time he was staring off in the distance. Kind of creepy."

"I'm pretty sure that swirl-face fell asleep while I was talking to him," Ron mumbled, "it was hard to tell with the mask he had on, but I think I heard him snoring."

"I wonder what Fred and George are going to do," Ginny giggled, "They're at the Defense Against the Dark Arts class right now trying to win over their 'Angel of Explosions.' I doubt they'll get very far if she's as quiet as the rest of her group." She waited for a moment before going on, "is there anything else we should know about these guys? Any other information at all?"

Click. Harry knew how he was going to get information about the Akatsuki. He snatched the light bulb from over his head and shoved it in his pocket before anyone else noticed it. "I have an idea," he said, "yes, a brilliant plan. If any of you want to learn more about the Akatsuki, meet me at the base of the third astronomy tower on Friday night. Bring others who are interested, but keep it on the down low, we can't let anyone know what we're up to." He stood up and dashed off to the other end of the table before anyone could ask what was going on.

Ron and Hermione glanced at each other and sighed.

"We going after him?"

"Of course we are, Ron."

**Meanwhile, at the other end of the table…**

Colin Creevey still looked up to Harry. In very tough situations he would ask himself, what would Harry do? And he would follow this idea to a T. However, the fanboy adoration he had displayed during his first year had waned and was no longer so obsessive.

He still had his camera. It was sort of his trademark and he took great pride in it. Taking pictures had become his hobby, his one aspect as a minor character. He could catch the best moments on film and use the smoke and light as a distraction while he made his escape. And, as he had explained to both Filch and Dumbledore on more than one occasion, it only interfered with school "less than half of the time, I swear."

Harry sat down on the bench space next to Colin. He looked around conspiratorially and handed Colin a piece of a napkin. Colin took the cloth and unfolded it to see what it said.

"Ummm… Harry?" he asked, "Why is this napkin smeared with ketchup?"

Harry glanced at the napkin, "Well crap." he sighed, "it was supposed to have a secret message written on it, but the only thing I could find to write in was ketchup. I guess it didn't survive the trip." He glanced around again and whispered, "I have a plan for learning about the Akatsuki. If you are interested, meet us at the stairs of the third astronomy tower Friday night, before dinner." Colin nodded and Harry ran secret-agent-style out of the great hall. Ron and Hermione ran after him, leaving out the theme music and summersaults.

Colin turned back to his own lunch wondering if maybe he should try to find a less insane idol.

**Later that evening…**

"So, how long do you think he's going to last?"

Konan glanced over at Deidara and the two red heads who had been following the guy around since the beginning of class. She looked back at Kisame. "Shouldn't you be annoying Itachi with these questions?" she asked.

Kisame shrugged, "Itachi doesn't answer, and I think Zetsu has his hands full with Tobi. I mean, he kind of deserves it, he did let Tobi have coffee this morning."

Konan looked back at the blond, "He's done pretty well so far, Deidara, I mean. It's probably because they complemented his art. He's got a swelled pride and doesn't realize that…" she giggled. Kisame backed away from her. Konan was giggling, not a good sign. "I don't think he realizes that they're hitting on him."

Kisame raised an eyebrow and looked at the three guys. "How do you know?"

"Just trust me on this one, Kisame," she smirked, "those two are either gay or, more likely, they think that our resident bomber is a girl."

"No way!" Kisame thought for a while, staring at Deidara. "Well," he finally admitted, "Deidara does have very feminine features…"

**Time skip!**

The rest of the week passed by about as uninterestingly as possible. Hermione and Ron followed Harry around as he sang the Mission Impossible theme song and tried to flip in the hallways. Ginny acted relatively normal, or as normal as one could act while waiting impatiently for a super secret espionage meeting. Draco and Kakuzu hadn't even aknowledged each other since the first day of school. Zetsu wanted to get away from the love struck Tobi and Deidara still just believed the Weasley twins to be truly impressed with his artwork.

Then came Friday night.

Harry had come down from his temporary I-have-an-awesome-idea-that-will-probably-get-us-all-killed-but-it-will-be-extremely-fun-and-somewhat-ilegal-so-let's-do-it high and was now wondering if said awesome idea was really all that awesome. He paced.

Hermione and Ron watched. This was usually their job while Harry was acting strange, to stand and wait until he was feeling bad enough to tell them what the hell was going on. Ron sighed, he wasn't sure why he was still up here when dinner was to be served in about a half an hour, food had to be more important than any scheme Harry had thought up on a whim. He glanced around at the plain, stone walls of the hallway. The dark staircase up to the astronomy tower was more like a black hole and Ron wondered if walking through it would be a one-way ticket to an alternate universe where all the people in his life were busty girls about his age who seemed to find him genuinely attractive.

"Ron, you're drooling," Hermione whispered, jabbing him in the stomach. "Close your mouth, will you?" Ron closed his mouth. The three of them turned at the sound of footsteps. Neville and Luna appeared in the doorway. A few minutes later, Ginny and a few of her friends trotted up the stairs, followed by Colin Creevey, Fred and George. The group stood around in an awkward silence broken by Fred and George joking around.

After about five more minutes, Harry stood up, "Alright, I think that's enough for now, we'll fill in other people as they come along and join us," he said, "I hereby start this meeting."

"Um, Harry?" Hermione asked, "Do you mind telling us what all this is about first?"

Harry nodded, "Yes, I'm sorry about any confusion, agent Granger, but this mission has to be kept on the hush side of conversation." Ignoring all the baffled looks he was receiving, he continued, "I have called this meeting for a single purpose; to learn more about the Akatsuki. They are not normal students, we can be certain of that, but what are they? ("one is sexy" Fred snickered) Where did they come from? Why are they here?

"They could be spies for Voldemort. They could be mercenaries who are just in it for the money and lulz. They could be snoofleangels, as Luna suggests." Neville raised his hand. "What is it, Neville?"

"They could be elite criminal ninjas from a far away land who want to capture tailed beasts to create an ultimate weapon that will hypothetically bring peace to the entire world but one of their members left them to join you-know-who and they don't want him to ruin their plans so they followed him here and are taking our side so they can destroy said ex-member."

"Neville," Ginny said, "with all due respect, what the hell are you on right now?"

"It doesn't matter," Harry interrupted, "All that matters is that we need to know more about them. Since tomorrow is Saturday, I thought it would be a fine opportunity to observe and get to know them. Oh, yes, agent Creevey!"

"Yes sir?" Colin asked on impulse.

"I have a special job for you," Harry said, "for organization's sake, we're going to have FBI like files labled with the big red "TOP SECRET" stamp. We need pictures of each Akatsuki member so we can identify them more easily. That's your job, kiddo." He patted Colin on the shoulder. "If there are no more questions, this meeting is adjourned for dinner." With that, he whipped out a pair of dark glasses and dashed down the hallway. "Begin OPERATION CREEPER STALKING THE NEW STUDENTS SIMPLY BECAUSE WE CAN!"

Ginny raised an eyebrow, "Operation C.S.N.S.S.B.W.C.?"

"I guess so," Hermione shrugged, "Do you think we should tell him that he's going the wrong way?"

Fred shook his head, "Nah, he'll find out when he finally takes the sunglasses off."

**Saturday! And all starts off relatively well…**

Zetsu sat at the breakfast table in the Great Hall, staring at a bowl of cheerios that had disintegrated into a bowl of mush. He had tried eating the sausage or bacon that was sitting out on the other plates but it was too cooked for his tastes. Why he had poured a bowl of cheerios, he couldn't say. They weren't any more appetizing to him than the meat was. Maybe he was trying to seem normal.

He stood up and stepped away from the table. The group of students who had been watching him eat flinched. Zetsu sighed as he walked towards the exit. They were still watching him. He knew it. He turned and melded into the wall. The students gasped.

Zetsu let the stone swallow him, opening up an entire new world. From here he could go almost anywhere in the castle. Some places had magic he couldn't break but for the most part he was free to go where he wished. He headed towards the green houses, no one would miss a few rats. Besides, their purpose was to feed carnivorous plants.

The ground near the greenhouse was very damp from all the rain. It was very easy for Zetsu to emerge. He walked over to the bin containing the dead rats. It smelled terrible already. One of the bodies twitched when a fly landed on its leg. The clouded eyes gazed up through the top of the bin.

"Even I'm not going to eat that," Zet grumbled.

"I think we're going to have to hunt our own food," Su gagged, "steak day won't be so bad as long as they make it extra raw."

"I think there's someone outside. Hello?" Zetsu froze. The door to the green house opened. A girl in yellow Hufflepuff tie, her blond hair pulled up in pigtails, stepped outside.

The girl stared, "Hey, Ernie, it's one of the new students." A boy, also wearing Hufflepuff colors poked his head through the doorway.

"Wicked," he whispered to himself. Zetsu rolled his eyes. Maybe normal would have been the better way to go. He didn't like all this attention.

"Hey," the girl walked forward and held out her hand, "My name's Hannah Abbot. I'm a Hufflepuff in case you didn't notice," she pulled at the tie and grinned. "As a prefect for the Hufflepuff house, I would like to welcome you to our school."

Zetsu shook her hand, glancing from her pigtails, to her face, to her friend and back to her pigtails.

"And I'm Ernie Macmillan," The boy offered his hand, "Also a Hufflepuff prefect. It's nice to finally meet you."

"Zetsu," he said, "my name is Zetsu."

Hannah's interest was obviously captured. "That's an interesting name. Where does it come from?"

"Halfway around the world and then some," Zet grumbled. "It took us forever to get here," Su added.

"Well," Ernie said, "if you need anything, just ask us. I don't know what sort of welcome the other prefects are making to you," Zetsu noticed a smug smile on the boy's face, "but we're trying to make good impressions as soon as we can. We've been searching the castle for Akatsuki students since seven this morning."

"Yes," Hannah added, "and if you see any of your classmates, could you point them in our direction? We'd love it if you could. They are very hard to find."

"No," Zet answered, "They're just late sleepers."

"Except for Tobi." Su admitted, "Tobi always wakes up early."

"Ugh, stop talking about that kid. He's really getting on my nerves with that whole angel thing he keeps talking about."

"I think it's cute."

"Yeah, you would."

Su giggled. Hannah and Ernie were staring at Zetsu with mild surprise.

Hannah asked, "So do you have-?"

"Two personalities? Yeah." Zetsu replied.

"I see," she nodded, "well, that's not too hard to accept once you get over the giant plant thing on your head," she laughed. "So, anything else you haven't told us?"

Zetsu grinned. "I eat puppies, kitties and human souls for breakfast."

Ernie laughed sheepishly, grabbing Hannah's arm. "Nice one. Well, we should probably be going. Let's try to find this Tobi guy who seems to get up so early."

"Right," Hannah agreed, "See you around, Zetsu."

The Hufflepuffs walked away and Zetsu sighed. //Hadn't we decided to act normal?// Su asked, //I think we scared them off.//

//Nah, really, Sherlock?// Zet thought, //And have you looked in the mirror lately? I don't think we'd qualify as normal even with out the two personalities and cannibalism.//

//Guess you're right…… hey, now that they mentioned it, where is Tobi?//

**Back in the Great Hall…**

Now, more than ever, was Tobi glad that he wore a mask. No one could see your eyes. No one could tell if you were staring at the ceiling or the floor or even weather or not you were awake at all. And absolutely no one could tell that he was staring like a creepy stalker at the most beautiful girl in the entire world.

**Random switch of subplot powers GO!**

Kisame was awake. He had been awake for a few hours. It was hard not to be awake when someone had used you as a stepladder from the bunk above you, causing you to fall out of bed and onto the floor. Especially when said person is wearing a really creepy mask when he tries to help you up. That's when you yell something about Friday the Thirteenth, hit the creep with a water justu and then smack yourself when you realize: you idiot, it's only Tobi.

Then, you're awake and you have the entire morning to sit out by the lake and wonder how anyone could have slept through that insanity.

That's what Kisame was doing at the moment.

It was actually kind of peaceful, sitting on the rocks above the mist-covered lake. Multi-colored fish swam beneath the surface and Kisame had seen the rumored giant squid wave a few tentacles above the water. There were no classes on Saturday. He could sit there all day long if he wanted to.

And I might as well, he thought, what else would I be doing? Well, I could go see if someone wanted to spar with me… I really don't want to, but it might be a good idea. He sighed. Meh, we'll be sparring every day soon enough if Professor Pein-sama has anything to do with it. I might as well enjoy my free time.

Kisame turned his head slightly at the scuffle of gravel about twenty feet behind him. Someone was coming closer and, if it was Itachi, Kisame didn't want to be caught off guard. He twisted around slightly and relaxed. The tiny blond kid stepping carefully over the rocks was definitely not Itachi. He watched the kid stumble a bit as he came closer to where Kisame sat.

"Excuse me," he said after a little while, "may I get a picture? My dad gave me this camera so I could record everything I saw here at Hogwarts. I'm trying to get pictures of all of you guys from the Ahk… um the… uh…"

"It's pronounced 'Ah- kat- ski'" Kisame yawned, spinning around to face the boy. The gold and red tie he was wearing showed which house he came from, but Kisame hadn't tried to learn which colors belonged to which house. The kid could've been wearing magenta and lime green for all he cared.

"Oh," the boy shifted his weight, grinning like some sort of crocodile. Kisame noticed the camera he was holding, an old fashioned, heavy looking thing that was at least as big as the boy's head. "You guys are the coolest teachers we've had so far. I mean you're all so powerful, and you're still just teenagers. How long have you guys been training? Was it really hard?"

Kisame stood up and began walking away. The boy was being far too nosy for his own good. "Some people are saying that you're really you-know-who's henchmen in disguise." He continued, following Kisame down to the water's edge. "I don't think you are. Hey, will you guys be having extra classes or something? Why are you out here all alone, anyways?"

"Kid," Kisame interrupted, "Just stop it, ok? I'm not up to an interview right now, I just want to be left alone, got it?" he glanced at the camera, "and no flash photography."

The boy looked crestfallen, "Alright, no questions right now." He glanced around, "but can I just ask you a few more things? I have to know where you're from, it's been killing me. And is that some sort of enchantment or did you always look like that? Are those real gills? Can you use them to breathe underwater?"

Kisame focused his chakra to the soles of his feet. Before the boy could ask what he was doing, Kisame was running away over the surface of the lake.

Stupid kid, Kisame thought, I hope he doesn't try that with any of the others. Itachi would kill him in a second and Zetsu's hungrier than usual. He glanced back and saw a flash of light from where the boy was standing. Yeah, that kid needed to watch out.

**End crappy fanfic!**

So between writing millions of papers for school, drawing birthday presents for everyone I know (we all seem to have late spring birthdays), reading Karen Traviss, and watching Little Shop of Horrors, I managed to write this… I think I did pretty well, considering the circumstances.


	8. A bit of a change

Kakuzu opened the door and looked down the hallway for the fifth time in two minutes. No one was there, again. He shut the door and leaned back against it, tapping his foot nervously. "Hidan, can't you make this go any faster?"

Hidan lay in a pool of his own blood on the floor of the room. A kunai stuck out of his chest. "You know, I never realized how much you sounded like a kid until I heard your voice before puberty. Are you going to ask for cookies now or start eating paste?" Kakuzu cleared his throat and didn't respond. Hidan closed his eyes and focused on the pain, willing Jashin to speak to him. The door creaked open again. "Will you stop that?" Hidan growled, "It's getting really annoying and I can't concentrate. Why are you even here? You could be anywhere else, so why here?"

"Would you rather that someone else walked in on you in this state?" Kakuzu gestured at the blood stain creeping across the floor like some sort of B movie slime monster. "Professor Leader-sama said that I'm supposed to keep you out of trouble so, like it or not, I have to stay." He sighed, he really had tried to think of something better to do, but there weren't very many opportunities to make money around Hogwarts. The red puddle on the floor caught his eye again. "So, what's this ritual for? You didn't kill anyone, did you?"

"No, I didn't kill anyone," Hidan snapped, "I wanted to, I wanted to kill a lot of the idiots in this school but I didn't. Aren't you proud of me?"

"So, what's all this about?"

"It's a tribute to Jashin," Hidan explained, "He and the unnamed one are changing things around, and I need to know about it."

"The unnamed one?"

"The unnamed one is like the advisor to Jashin or something, there's an unnamed one for every dimension, every religion, even. It's the unseen force that moves everything because it's in all of us. Jashin picks and chooses who he rewards and punishes based on many things, their violence, their devotion. The unnamed one is less biased. I guess the unnamed one could be known as everything else, whatever guides the chaos and all the choices in the universe, that's the unnamed one."

"That's pretty deep."

"Is it?" Hidan glanced at his chest, "I think it could go farther." He lifted a hand and pressed down on the kunai.

"Did you really just make that into a pun?"

Hidan shrugged, "I guess so." He paused, "Yea, that did it, I'm getting a message. The unnamed one says that it's sorry for neglecting us. It wants Itachi to know this specifically. And it says that our life at Hogwarts is going to be told in a collection of drabbles and oneshots from now on."

"You mean an anthology?" Kakuzu asked. "Does the unnamed one always sound like a teenage fanfic writer?"

"The unnamed one wants you to stop being a smartass and do more random tentacle wigglies. Oh, and the unnamed one also says that it's more like the Dungeon Master in a role playing game."

"… It's gone."

"What?"

"The moment of coolness that your earlier speech inspired," Kakuzu explained, "The unnamed one just killed it."

"The unnamed one says Fuck off." Kakuzu smiled. Hidan sat up, pulling the kunai out of his chest. "Ok, I'm done. Fuck that hurts."

Kakuzu shook his head. "Alright, let's go. You need to wash up before someone sees you like that."

"What about the blood on the floor?" Hidan asked. Kakuzu glanced down again at the blood.

"We'll close the door and jam the lock, nobody uses this room anyways, Now let's go, there's an abandoned bathroom on this floor that we can get to without anyone noticing, but we have to hurry."

"Yea, yea, whatever," Hidan grumbled, "fuck, this is gonna leave one hell of a stain."

~ - ~

I'm sorry for not updating so soon, I don't know why I didn't and it makes me sad.

The unnamed one idea comes from my friend (who is the GM in an RPG we play… not the explosive kind) p.s. the unnamed one is also the author

And, as Hidan says, this series is basically morphing into a bunch of little stories instead of one huge drawn out one, simply to keep me from abandoning it altogether.


End file.
